Shanker – down-regulating (part 1)

Essentially, the way the human brain is wired is that if someone, even our own child, is in red brain, we will instantly go into red brain ourselves. And this was clearly a strong survival mechanism for our species. It provided, for example, when there was a danger, a threat to the community, to the group, the instant effect of arousal. So this is a problem for us. It’s a problem for us especially as parents because when our child is in red brain one of the most important aspects of this is that they are unable, it’s very hard for them to turn off their limbic alarm, to go back into blue brain. But if we-so they need us. The problem is that if we are in red brain ourselves then we cannot exercise that sort of regulating or co-regulating role.  

Let’s suppose that our child has engaged in some sort of a stress behaviour that is really very important that we learn from this- that, “You mustn’t do this sort of thing.”   

So one of the big lessons here for parents is we first have to get ourselves back into blue brain. Then we have to get our child back into blue brain. There is-we do not have that window to teach, explain, learn from this experience while the child is in red brain. The question then is, when is it the right time? Once we’ve got the kid back into blue brain, when’s the right time for us to discuss this? Now we can discuss it calmly, you know, why it happened, why it’s inappropriate, etc. etc. And that’s a question that only a parent can figure out. Sometimes it might be an hour later. Maybe it’s going to be the next day.  But the important lesson is you will not be able to turn this into a learning experience while either of you is in red brain. 

When we go into red brain ourselves, we fall back into this punishment mentality and the problem is that it doesn’t work. It makes everything worse. So positive discipline was created specifically to really vanquish this ancient mind-set and to come up with constructive ways that we can actually help a child, not harm a child.