Marvin – circle of security

Well, the Circle of Security is a, we think of it as a user-friendly version of a very complex theory that’s been developed and set of research projects over the last 50 years and it’s in the general area of attachment; the attachments that babies and children develop toward their parents, toward their caregivers. And so we developed this framework, this simplification of the theory that we call “The Circle of Security”. And it is really both a way of thinking about children’s relationships with their parents, thinking about attachment, and it’s also been used to refer to an intervention that we’ve developed to help parents who are being challenged by their kid’s behaviour. 

We use the, a graphic that we’ve developed where, on the graphic, is a circle, it’s an oblong circle, and there’s a set of hands on the left hand side of the circle. And those hands refer to the parent. They represent the parent. And you’ll see that on the top side of the circle, next to the hands, is the term “secure base”. And on the bottom side of the circle, next to the hands, is the term “safe haven”. Well, what we’re trying to get across here is that children use their parents as a secure base for going off and exploring the world.  And we think about that as moving away from the hands, moving away from the parents as a secure base. And at other times the child comes back to the parent on the bottom of the circle, using the parent as a safe haven. And let’s take those one-at-a-time. When the child is exploring, he moves, he or she, moves off away from the parent to explore, and is moving away and either exploring a new place, or interacting with somebody who’s new to them and so sort of exploring a new person and developing a new relationship perhaps.  And to do that, a child, in some ways, moves away from the parent to be able to do that. A lot of times, what we as parents think is, “Oh, my child is off exploring. He doesn’t need me right now”. But in fact, that’s not the case. The parent, the child needs the parent when the child is moving off to explore, in some very important ways. And in fact, the parent has a number of jobs to do while her child is off exploring.   And on the far right of the graphic, you’ll see this box with four bulleted thoughts, what we think are the four most important jobs that a parent has when the child is exploring.  First of all, there’s the job of “Watch over me.  Monitor me for safety. I am just a little kid and I am off exploring and my ability to move away from you and get in trouble is a lot more advanced than my wisdom” so to speak. “And so I need you, mom, or dad, to watch over me and monitor me for safety.” 

The second thing is, “I need you to delight in me, in what I’m doing”. And that’s something that a lot of people, even researchers haven’t paid really enough attention to the notion that the child looks back at the parent when he’s off exploring, or she’s off exploring, and looks for a smile, a moment of delight from the parent that tells the child, sends the child a signal, “I’m here, and I’m with you, and I think you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread, and if something bad happens, I’ll be here to help”. So the second thing is delight. 

The third thing is, “Help me. Sometimes I’m off playing and doing something and I’m doing a pretty good job but then I get challenged and I get stumped, and stuck, and I can’t do what I’m trying to do”. In those cases, the child hopefully sends a signal to the parent that, “I need you. I need you to help me”. And the idea here is it’s the parent’s job to help the child, but not do it for him. Not be intrusive. To help him get over that little hump that he’s experienced; that little difficulty that he’s experienced, so that he can go on and finish whatever he was doing on his own. And we think of that as “scaffolding”. That what the parent does, is do just enough to keep the child engaged in the activity, and keep the child experiencing success.  

 Then the fourth one is, “Sometimes I just want you to play with me. Sometimes just enjoy with me. Be my playmate”. That’s a very important part of being a parent.  And if the parent can do those four things, then, then, that’s good enough parenting. That child is going to be developing a real interest in exploring, he’s going to feel good about himself as he’s learning, he’s going to develop well, and he’s going to be secure when he’s exploring on top of the circle.