Durrant- discipline vs. punishment

Punishment and discipline are not the same thing. Many of us think they are and they get very easily confused. And this is true around the world, I’ve found that the word discipline is often associated even with military discipline and usually harsh punishment. That’s kind of what it means.  

So when — in our minds at least so when we hear discussions of –if adolescents in our communities are getting into trouble, for example. We often hear calls for more discipline and what often is implied by that is more corporal punishment, more harsh punishment, more coming down on them like a ton of bricks basically is what we call for out of fear. That response is really motivated out of fear of a feeling of lack of control. And that’s true in moment to moment parenting as well is when we feel afraid. When we feel out of control and we feel powerless, we’re much more likely to respond coercively, forcefully, harshly, and punitively. When we feel like we understand the situation and that we’re competent at dealing with it, we’re much more likely to respond in a constructive way that moves us closer to our long-term goals.  

So this connotation that the word discipline has acquired is really unfortunate. It’s become equated with punishment and the two are not equivalent at all. In fact, they don’t even overlap. Discipline comes from the same root as the word disciple. And disciples are followers of a great leader. If you were a disciple of someone, you respect that person. You consider them wise and you follow what they do because you value what they have to say. Discipline is the act that fosters that sort of feeling in people.  

So what we’re trying to do is build that kind of relationship where the parent is a mentor and the child is a learner. So that doesn’t come from punishment. Discipline is about teaching in an environment that fosters the child’s learning. Children can’t learn when they’re afraid. They can’t learn when they’re anxious. They can’t learn when they’re stressed just like we can’t. If we’re afraid that our teacher’s going to hit us, that our teacher’s going to mock us or embarrass us or humiliate us, we’re too afraid to try and it’s through trying and making mistakes and having a teacher that helps us learn from our mistakes that we progress and we become increasingly competent and confident in our skills. So discipline is all about teaching, mentoring. Punishment is about imposing something that the child doesn’t like in the hopes that it will deter them from doing that next time.