Durrant – child – caregiver match, part 1

Yes, temperament and parent behaviour are very much interwoven and there is certainly a constant bi-directional relationship. And it isn’t even moment-to-moment; it carries a history with it. So we become almost conditioned to responding in certain ways to certain behaviours over time. But certainly a child who is, for example, more active, more reactive, more impulsive, less persistent, less regular in their rhythms, is more difficult for the parent if the parent has a different temperament. So a very low activity parent with a high activity child can create some real challenges because that parent’s expectations are just not going to be met by the child, and there’s nothing the child can do about it.  

So in those kinds of situations, if the parent interprets that child’s behaviour as being ‘bad’, or as being a threat to them, or as defiance, then they are likely to punish the child for simply being themselves: needing to jump, needing to run, needing to climb and be in motion. That’s something that the child needs to do but if the parent doesn’t see it as the child’s temperament but sees it as constant challenge, then the child gets punished for being who they are and that child becomes frustrated, becomes resentful, feels misunderstood, feels they have to become someone who they are not.  

And so I think it’s really important for parents to understand temperament, not only of their child but also their own temperaments and really look at the match between their own temperament and the child’s temperament. Because where they match, there’s much less conflict. It’s where they don’t match that problems arise. And if parents can be helped to assess that, then their own responses can change dramatically because they understand more accurately the child’s true motivation.